By An Introspective Little Fetus
Ahh, another wonderful morning! Or is it night? Or is it afternoon? I don't know, I tend to lose sense of time in here. Am I even really awake, or am I in some kind of weird half conscious state? Jeez, I can barely form a coherent thought besides "I'm hungry" or "I'm frustrated, maybe I should start violently kicking and see if that calms me down" or "Hey look, a thick, squishy pile of uterine tissue! Awesome!" and I'm already starting to get senile. Next thing you know, I'll end up like my mentally deranged Grandpa Burt and start calling the fire department every time I lose the remote. It's hard in here for a fetus.
Gosh, I miserable in here! Doesn't my mother know that we are basically sharing meals? I'm like a gigantic nine pound tapeworm in here! Doesn't she understand that every time she starts getting all "Oooh! I'm a big hungry preggo monster!" and decides that she feels like sampling every combination of beans and rice on the Taco Bell menu, that stuff goes straight to me? Is she trying to kill me of a Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap overdose? If she wanted a crack baby, she should have been a lot more direct about it and just started snorting lines twice a day instead of rolling into a drive thru in full fledged Godzilla on Tokyo hunger mode. Oh no . . .I'm sorry mother, I didn't mean that. I'm just under a lot of stress here. The time I've spent in this womb has been the best eight months of my life. Well actually, it's been the only eight months of my life, unless you count the whole "embryo" phase. But I mostly try and pretend that never happened. I thought I was so cool, just sitting there being a zygote without even being old enough to multiply by mitosis. It seems really embarrassing now.
However, the best moments I've ever had have taken place in this cozy little fertilized sack of a uterus. Who could forget when I was just 30 millimeters long with no hands, legs, feet, or brain, splashing around in amniotic fluid without a care in the world? Oh, those were the days . . .well, those were the 11 weeks, to be exact. Or how about when my eyes began opening for the first time? Oh, that was magical. Sure, there wasn't much to look at, but still, the idea behind it was exciting. And what about the time I grew my first lanugo, those tiny little hairs that kept me warm because of my lack of body fat? Oh man, and speaking of body fat, I've really ballooned up lately. Ever since the 26th week, I've been putting on pounds like Marlon Brando in 1972. If I'm not careful, I may just get so bloated that I bust out of cramped little womb early. I need to start watching what kind of nutrients I absorb from this placenta.
Yeah, it's been a great time in here, I just feel like I'm ready to move .. all, my major structures are fully formed, my brain and heart are functioning, and I'm slowly learning to express emotions through this thing called "crying." Wait, let me practice: (Crying) "WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH!" Oh man, this is going to be a really effective means of getting what I want once I'm out of this place.
But I'll be the first to admit, I'm kind of nervous. My bones are about as soft as Play-doh. And even though I haven't actually seen Play-doh yet, I'm probably going to be obsessed with that stuff sooner or later. What if my mom drops me on my head and I end up thinking I'm a dog or something? I can't eat dog food! You know what they put in that? And what if nobody loves me once I'm a baby? I am a pretty sexy fetus, but who knows how I'll look when I'm prancing around in a diaper with a Lego in one hand and a slobbered-on pacifier in another? Why don't I have hair? Am I balding? What if I end up looking like an alien or something, with no hair and two gigantic bug eyes? Are my toes webbed? Goodness, I think they are! Am I a mutant? If I am, I'm not even one of those cool mutants that get recruited by the X-Men Academy to battle Magneto! I'm just weird!
But I suppose I have no choice, really. I'm only in here for about two more weeks. My mom's already complaining about contractions, and I'm about to break this water myself if she doesn't just hurry up and push me out of this thing. I guess we all have to move on eventually.
Wow. I could really go for a Burrito Supreme right now. Where are obnoxious pregnant cravings when you need them? (Crying) WAHHH! WAHHH!
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