I am sickened. Disgusted. Appalled. Once again, Hollywood has taken a beautiful masterpiece of a movie and tainted with the stain of a filthy, obscene failure of a sequel. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved Baby Geniuses 1. I mean, what could possibly be funnier than a baby talking? I’ll tell you what: A baby talking while disco dancing in John Travolta’s white suit from Saturday Night Fever! One of my favorite scenes in the history of the picture shows. It even coined one of the best catchphrases of all time: Diaper gravy! I had never really thought of describing diarrhea by likening it to a food of similar composition and complexion. Now that’s great writing! Baby Geniuses was one of the most original, thought provoking, all around hilarious movies of the 90’s. A laugh riot! So you can imagine my disgust when I saw the sequel, Clint Eastwood’s 2004 flop, Million Dollar Babies.
Where do I even begin with this festering piece of pop culture garbage? Let’s start with the plot. It had absolutely nothing to do with the first movie! Baby Geniuses 1 ended with Sly, the smartest of all the Baby Geniuses, and his twin brother Whit going on a lighthearted romp to escape from Cathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd, two evil scientists attempting to steal the secrets of the universe, which the babies were born with and could only convey through baby talk. Now that’s the kind of old fashioned family comedy that I can support! That’s what I want to see on a fun day at the movies! For this diaper gravy of a sequel, they went in a new, disgusting direction. First of all, there were no babies! You’d think, since the first movie was 92 minutes of highly intelligent babies talking, pooping, and hitting grown men in the testicles, they would at least have the decency to explain why, in this “A Million Dollar Baby Geniuses” there was not a single baby genius to be found! Why would Clint Eastwood, one of the most respected directors in Hollywood, do such a thing? You don’t mess with perfection! I’m all for a little change in the sequel, but replacing the two main characters from the first movie, the adorable, 3 year old Fitzgerald brothers, with some black guy named Milligan Freeman and Hilary Swank? Ridiculous! Were the babies grown up? Why was the entire film about boxing? Where was Christopher Lloyd? Did it take place in the future? This was the most confusing sequel since I saw that Lord of the Flies trilogy from Peter Jackson, which was nothing like the book.
Not to mention that this movie was completely inappropriate for a family audience. In fact, this was an R rated movie, completely alienating the younger fans of the first one, which was rated PG for potty humor. Where the first Baby Geniuses movie only made use of silly, lighthearted insults like diaper face and pee brains, the sequel used the s word, the f word, even the p word. I almost cried when I heard this foul language. Clint Eastwood, you are sick! I was nine years old when I saw Baby Geniuses 1, and 14 when I saw the sequel, and even I was sickened to my very core by the foul language in this film. The nerve of that man!
Not to mention the disturbing, perverse subplot that involved Hilary Swank, the Million Dollar Baby Genius, going into a coma! Horrific! What kind of twisted, depraved man would include the controversial subject of euthanasia in a children’s movie! This is a strict violation of my Christian values! Every life is precious, every child is a beautiful creation of God, especially baby geniuses. The very idea that Clint Eastwood’s character would think it was acceptable to pull the plug on a baby genius caused me to cross myself and say three Our Fathers right there in the theater just to save my soul from this Satanic propaganda. What would Rick Warren think of this? Imagine the poor mothers having to explain to their children how a life support machine works, or who Teri Schiavo was, when all they wanted to do was sit back, enjoy some popcorn and laugh at another classic diaper change scene involving a poop fight.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who felt this way. Roger Ebert gave the film four stars, and it was nominated for seven Oscars, including a win for Best Picture! Best Picture? Meanwhile, Baby Geniuses 1 is ranked #66 on IMDB’s worst movies of all time list. Am I the only sane person in the world? I have lost all respect for Clint Eastwood after this bastardization of the Baby Genius franchise. I will never see a Clint Eastwood movie again. Actually I do hear that he is coming out with one that is an adaptation of the popular video game Grand Theft Auto, so I might see that one. Until then, I am still steaming over the worst sequel of all time, A Million Dollars of Babies.
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