As far as old maxim's go, credibility tends to be elusive. A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush? What kind of birds are we talking about here? An "Oscar the Naked Cockatoo" in the hand is, by no grand stretch of the imagination, equivalent to two California Condors in the bush. A fool and his money are soon parted? I'm sorry, but obviously you are not familiar with the Forbes ranking of Robin Williams. However, there is evidence lent to the claim that the best things in life are free. Just consider it: Sunsets, rainbows, true love, Taiwanese prostitutes. Oh, and of course the simplest of simple pleasures: That tingling little feeling that you get inside, like a giddy little sugar rush of sadism and self-satisfaction, that comes from the delivery of a truly degrading insult. There's just something in that fluid flow of razor sharp verbiage, whether malicious or friendly, that lends the mind a kind of euphoria available only through black market means via viable sums of money. However, there is more to a great insult than simply spouting off whatever cold hearted venom seeps onto your tongue from the depths of your twisted little mind. Insults, much like the animal kingdom, must be properly labeled.
(Playtpus=Ornithorhynchus anatinus).
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Ladies and gentlemen, here lies the deceased folly of mislabeling types of degrading verbiage. Rest in peace, ignorance.
Levels of Degradation:
Level 1: The Insult
Level one is simple, straightforward, basic, probably bearing some semblance of truth but not enough to weigh on a person's psyche for more than the brief flash of semi-indignation experienced within the first 0.453 seconds of its expulsion from the mouth of the Insulter. Ultimately, you're not offended. In fact, you scoff at the very idea that such elementary school level pish-posh could possibly phase you.
Example:
Billy: You are stupid.
Bobby: Oh . . .how rude.
Level 2: The Diss
The diss is a minor step on the evolutionary chain of degradation, much like the Neanderthal was just a little better than the Cro Magnon, but it was enough to make a difference. (Well, in the end there really was no difference. They both had weirdly shaped skulls, grunted a lot, and couldn't harness fire. Homo sapiens are awesome!) The main difference between the two is that the diss, while maintaining the similarly basic properties of the insult, typically comes in the form of a comeback, therefore making the person who was an innocent victim in Level 1: The Insult become the vulnerable fool who attempted to assert his dominance and then failed miserably, like a Chihuahua attempting to mount a pitbull (Youtube, anyone?).
Example:
Bobby: Whoa there Billy, nice STAIN on your shirt!
Billy: Well, at least I'm not stupid.
Bobby: Ouch. That's embarrassing. I'm mildly perturbed by your one-upsmanship of me.
Level 3: The Burn
If the Insult is a schizophrenic, delusional hobo begging for sardines by the train tracks and the Diss is a respectable suburban man working in an accounting firm and raising two delightful children, then the Burn is one of those high-rolling corporate lawyers who sues the tobacco companies and lives in a penthouse with mirrors on the ceiling. The Burn doesn't just scratch at the surface of the weak superfluity of the Diss, and grabs itself a power drill from Home Depot and drills right on through the skin until blood is splattered all over the victim like the walls of the shower at the Bates motel. The burn doesn't just dish out an unflattering moniker, it ELABORATES, leaving the person feeling as though the contents of their fragile little heart have just been put on display and mercilessly laughed at in a public museum. These ones leave a mark on the soul for at least a few hours, lingering in the conscience like a Floridian mosquito with a craving for human sweat and blood.
Example:
Billy: Bobby, I need to tell you something.
Bobby: Yes?
Billy: You are stupid. But you're not just stupid. You are pathetically deluding yourself into thinking that you aren't stupid, when everyone thinks of you as a complete, total moron. You are basically the dumbest kid in our school.
Bobby: That isn't true! (Hides face in shame)
Level 4: The Zinger
The Zinger maintains the deeply personal, revelatory facets of the Burn, only compresses them into concise, one liner format, striking out of nowhere like the meteor from "Deep Impact," and with equal amounts of devastation. The Zinger is delivered as a joke; however its biting levels of truth leave the victim feeling as though he has just been sharply sliced by construction paper and is being bled dry of his dignity.
Example:
Bobby: Hey Billy! I've got some great news! I just a Wii!
Billy: Yeah, but the bad news is, you're still completely retarded!
Level 5: The Assassination
By the time one has reached the level of the Assassination, all semblances of jocularity have been eradicated like a colony roaches being doused in Raid. The Assassination doesn't just point out the fairly obvious flaws of a man, noticed by all, noted occasionally, but widely acknowledged as harmless. By this point, the Degrader has attacked every minute aspect of the Degradee's personality: Their hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears, any and all blackmail regarding the Degradee, every little flaws preventing the Degradee from achieving a humanely perfection that, thus far in history, has proven unattainable. The Assassination usually comes in the form of a rather long winded rant, often in the midst of an argument heated to volcanic proportions, and leaves the victim often reduced to tears and doubting everything that makes them who they are.
Example:
Bobby: Hey Billy, want to come over today?
Billy: Jeez, well I would, but then again look at you: You're stupid. Most people look at you and mistake you for a crack baby, that is if people even notice you at all. You're entire existence is completely pointless. You could vanish from the face of the Earth today and even I, your best friend, would not care. If people were actually valued in monetary terms, you would be worth absolutely nothing. Oh, and that obsession you had with that chick in your Math class was the most pathetic attempt at love I've ever seen. No women want to go near you, even the blind, deaf and dumb girl that always stumbles into you at lunch. She thinks you smell horrible. Oh, and I lied when I said you had a good singing voice. Your singing makes me want to vomit, and I think your breath smells like a rotting corpse in a trash bag.
Level 6: The Nuclear Holocaust
The only possible level of devastation higher than the Assassination, the Nuclear Holocaust takes no prisoners. Essentially, the term Nuclear Holocaust evokes an image of a colossal mushroom cloud consuming and eviscerating everything in its path. With a Nuclear Holocaust of degradation, the focus expands from the single person presently receiving the degradation to everything and everyone that person loves: Friends, family, their favorite TV shows, role models, etc. Everything and anything associated with said person is treated with equal contempt. A Nuclear Holocaust, in most cases, results in the victim being instituted in an insane asylum or committing suicide.
Example:
Bobby: Billy, you are my best friend!
Billy: Best friend? Impossible, Bobby. All of your friends are total and complete losers, much like yourself. John secretly hates you, he talks about how boring and awkward you are all of the time. He thinks your new slang words suck. "Cool dip" will never work as a catch phrase. It's stupid . . .just like you. Oh, and your mother is ridiculously ugly. Not that this came as a shock to me. The only way someone as disgustingly deformed as you could have come into the world is through an equally hideous woman. Your brother told me he wishes you were never born, which is funny because I used to think he was retarded too, until I agreed with him on that. "Three's Company" is a horrible show. It's shameful that you laugh at that crap, like I laugh at you. Oh, and I'm glad your Grandpa died. He looked like a grape that's been out in the sun too long.
In conclusion, keep this is mind next time you feel like degrading someone. Don't just toss out celebratory phrases like "Diss!" and "Burn!" without genuinely taking a moment to consider where on the Levels of Degradation it truly resides. The best things in life are free. And the best insults . . .those are priceless.
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