The Weekly Editorial

Is This Bible Edible?

By Mudama of Kenya
Dear God: Are you there? It's me, Mudama. I'm so . . .hungry. My stomach is the size of a pinto bean, and if I eat more than one grain of rice a day, my mom says that there is a chance that I might explode like Masika. Everywhere I look, people are dying and suffering, except the town glutton, Wimbo, who had the nerve to stuff his face with five grains of rice yesterday while his wife was forced to eat the mud off the riverbank.
After all, gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, right? It says right here, in the Bible that Bono paid for with his charity concert. It's an interesting read, most definitely. However, when I heard that a group of missionaries had come to save us from our devastating plight of famine and misery, I assumed that they would be bringing food. But when they got here, all that they had were bibles.
At first, me and my fellow tribesman rejoiced, when we discovered that we could, in fact, tear the pages from the Bible and eat them, but the rough paper wouldn't go down smoothly, and after Omosede died from choking on Matthew5:38-40, we realized that, despite our lack of education of education and 90% illiteracy rate, we were expected to READ these mysterious documents. Luckily, I am the only child in the village who knows the English alphabet, so I was able to understand this "Bible." I found it very enlightening. I learned many interesting things about the fallacies of human nature and the devastating consequences of sin. I learned to be a more spiritual person, and to maintain my faith in a greater God. However, I did not learn how to draw water from the poisonous Makato bush, which would be a great service, for my weekly ration of water has run out, and we were forced to kill a buffalo and drink from its intestines to survive.
I wish some of the other villagers had bibles. For example, Matthew 5:7 reads "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Perhaps if Okomeke knew that, he wouldn't have killed his entire family over a donut that was left behind by the missionaries. Murder is not encouraged in the bible.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, God, but please, next time at least send a snack along with the new set of Bibles.
Sincerely,
Mudama