I'm Not Your Average Stapler

By The OfficeMax 2250

Look, I know what you are thinking. It's probably something along the lines of "Ohh, look a stapler. What a convenient tool for me to bind my papers together with." Or maybe you're thinking "Hmmm . .. why is that stapler out? I have absolutely no use for a common stapler right now." But before you go jumping to conclusions, let me just stop you right there! Baby, I am not your average stapler.
I mean, technically I am a tool that that combines together sheets of paper or other materials by driving a thin metal staple through the sheets and folding over the ends to secure the paper. And yes, I am commonly found in offices, schools, and various other locations that need me to restore order and prevent a chaotic paper-anarchy in which essays, reports, or even children's love notes drift aimlessly about with no restrictions whatsoever. But I swear, I am not like those other staplers. While some staplers might require an excessively difficult application of pressure to effectively bind a document, I, the OfficeMax 2250, require only a gentle squeeze to give you the paper-connecting power that you need.
And I think we both know that you can't trust those other staplers in the long term. Sure, they seem strong and formidable at first, and you may think that they are the perfect stapler for you, but they're just going to fall apart eventually. Just when you think that you have found the perfect apparatus to permanently fasten your work, those staples will crumble apart, and you're just going to have another mess on your hands. But me? I'm not just here for a quick fix. I'm here to make a commitment in a way that other staplers just can't.
Look, I know I've failed you in the past. Who could possibly forget that time that I ran out of paper-containing pins just when you needed me most, when you had to turn in that vocabulary assignment by fourth period. But I swear I've changed. With my new booklet-stapling capabilities, I can rotate up to 90 degrees for vertical or horizontal stapling. I would have never been capable of such things in the past. And now, with my new OfficeMax upgrade, I contain up to 200 more staples, so I'll always be there when you need me most.
I'm just going to give it to you straight right now. I've seen the way you look at the new Thumb Activated Electric Stapler. I know that the OfficeMax 2130 Long Reach Stapler can reach places that I can't. But no matter what, I am the stapler for you.