(Please Cujo, spare me your slobbery puppy kisses of doom!)
Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if there is anything that Stephen King hasn't made evil yet. . . or made the subject of a 900 page novel WITH A TWIST! I would never accuse the mastermind behind the penning of the Shawshank Redemption and the Shining of being a hack, but he's made a solid case for himself with his transparently desperate mission to systematically transform every inanimate object into the subject of some child's darkest nightmare.
I imagine that somewhere, framed along with a lifetime's worth of accumulated prestige that feeds off of briefly sustained bursts of focus that contain the vivacity of a sea monkey with the common cold, there lies a checklist of every single appliance, personality type, location or creature with which Stephen King has ever come into contact. 75% of the list is adjacent to a inkspot signifying the accomplished transformation of said object to the dark side.
-Saint Bernards: Check
-Cars: Check.
-Struggling writers: Check.
-Clowns: Check.
-Giant spiders: Check.
-Psychic black men with uncanny healing powers: Check.
-High school girls: Check.
-Small town sheriffs: Check.
-Vending machines: Check.
-Ass weasels from outer space: Check.
I can only imagine what will next emerge from the fertile capaciousness of Stephen King's increasingly less terrifying realm of thought.
Coming in 2008: -A blender that doesn't just convert fruit into a delicious smoothie . . .IT CONVERTS SOULS IN SATAN'S SERVANTS!!!
-A stinkbomb that transforms into the shape of the victims most haunting affliction. .. .its The Smell of Fear!
-A pillow that feeds on nightmares!
R.I.P, horror writing genre. You had a decent run.
4 comments:
Dear Dillon,
this is Michael Munton; Code name: Fron
I heard about your upcoming picture A Pal Called Fron. I am impressed and will let you use my trademark name "Fron" on one condition, you have to wrestle...fear, you must wrestle my cousin mose!!! no but siriously if this is to be you must include me. I will need a script and an explanation. I will also need a resume from you.
Sincerely Michael J. Munton *Fron*
Dylan, who exactly is this Fron guy and what is A Pal Called Fron? Oh, and I finally read the my year of flops for Dreamcatcher, and it's probably the best one I've read so far. I say we rent it this weekend and see Stevie King's ass-weasels in action.
dyaln niles.
i thought you would be a more avid blogger.
this blogging land is a harsh and fastpace world.
blogs who rarely post are thrown into a desolate vacant blackhole in cyber land.
this is a warning.
for i am one of the many who have abandoned their blogs leaving readers perplexed and feeling poopulous.
give hope to blogs and do this more daily.
it is shameful to try and find the wise words of dylan niles only to see he hasnt posted.
melissa cripes advice.
Aiight Melissa, since you are one of my approximately 2 readers (counting myself), I will heed your request for more output. I'm all about loyalty. Kind of. I'm also all about procrastination, so my two main interests are constantly at war with each other.
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