Declaration of Cannibalhood

After years of waiting to exploit my alleged persecution and bitch about a greater authority striving to bring me down, I've finally become a minority. A minority even more minor than the many minorities that complain about how minor they are and have festive celebrations to demonstrate their pride while moaning about aforementioned minor status. I am a cannibal.
Now, before you find your panties firmly lodged into a Windsor Triple Knot, allow me to issue this disclaimer to expunge your suspicions that I may one day impale you with a giant salad fork and drink your blood from that goblet that I bought from TJ Maxx: I haven't actually ingested human flesh yet. Well, I haven't INTENTIONALLY ingested human flesh yet. Finding a solitary thumb lodged in my Wendy's Dollar Menu Baked Potato and gobbling it with the voracity of a famished vulture does not make me a perverse, psychotic man-eater (Nelly Furtado is also a cannibal). I makes me an opportunist, who, when presented with a freshly cooked human thumb packed with a delicious cartridge of cartilage, merely took what he was granted by what had to have been none other than a benevolent Cannibal God.
When it comes to being misunderstood and shunned by society, cannibals blow every other minority out of the water, and then marinate their flesh and serve it on a golden platter at the Annual Cannibal's Ball. Sure, blacks have slavery and segregation when they need a crutch to justify their propensity for Supermanning Hos, and the Jews feel the need to bring up the Holocaust every time I mention that I wouldn't mind sticking them in an oven. But here's the thing: The Nazi's cooked Jews merely for the simple pleasure that Jew-cooking brings, not as part of an elaborate barbeque in which no body parts were wasted and weenis was considered the equivalent of Jello. Cannibals have never gotten the pity points that are so profusely bestowed upon other persecuted minorities. What kind of universe do we leave in when Hannibal Lecter is considered to be a villain? He's a HERO, people. He doesn't waste a fresh carcass on some desolate graveyard destined to be looted by the real criminals. What makes Jeffery Dahmer and Albert Fish "serial killers?" They're just opportunists, much like myself and the entire cannibal community.
Look, before you go making snap judgments about cannibalism, consider this:
-Human flesh, much like Gatorade, restores electrolytes and replenishes the body. So next time you are feeling tired during your soccer game, don't bother with a fruity energy drink. Just find a pudgy mom in the stands and take a bite out of her arm.
-In many cultures, to have your skin consumed at the Village Feast was considered a higher form of flattery than imitation.
If one day you find yourself the victim of a terrible avalanche and as a result are mired in a cave with four other people and little hope for escape, maybe you too will understand the simple pleasures of feasting on the bodies of humans, alive or dead.
Amongst oppressed minorities, they say that gay is the black. Then what does that make 'cannibal'? Something like a Jew, Mexican, Black, Gay, Retarded, Elderly Paraplegic all rolled into one. It's hard out here for a cannibal.
I urge you, people: Save the cannibals.