The Weekly Editorial

Is This Bible Edible?

By Mudama of Kenya
Dear God: Are you there? It's me, Mudama. I'm so . . .hungry. My stomach is the size of a pinto bean, and if I eat more than one grain of rice a day, my mom says that there is a chance that I might explode like Masika. Everywhere I look, people are dying and suffering, except the town glutton, Wimbo, who had the nerve to stuff his face with five grains of rice yesterday while his wife was forced to eat the mud off the riverbank.
After all, gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, right? It says right here, in the Bible that Bono paid for with his charity concert. It's an interesting read, most definitely. However, when I heard that a group of missionaries had come to save us from our devastating plight of famine and misery, I assumed that they would be bringing food. But when they got here, all that they had were bibles.
At first, me and my fellow tribesman rejoiced, when we discovered that we could, in fact, tear the pages from the Bible and eat them, but the rough paper wouldn't go down smoothly, and after Omosede died from choking on Matthew5:38-40, we realized that, despite our lack of education of education and 90% illiteracy rate, we were expected to READ these mysterious documents. Luckily, I am the only child in the village who knows the English alphabet, so I was able to understand this "Bible." I found it very enlightening. I learned many interesting things about the fallacies of human nature and the devastating consequences of sin. I learned to be a more spiritual person, and to maintain my faith in a greater God. However, I did not learn how to draw water from the poisonous Makato bush, which would be a great service, for my weekly ration of water has run out, and we were forced to kill a buffalo and drink from its intestines to survive.
I wish some of the other villagers had bibles. For example, Matthew 5:7 reads "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Perhaps if Okomeke knew that, he wouldn't have killed his entire family over a donut that was left behind by the missionaries. Murder is not encouraged in the bible.
I don't want to sound ungrateful, God, but please, next time at least send a snack along with the new set of Bibles.
Sincerely,
Mudama

All the World Needs Is More Amusing T-shirts.

There is a moment, say the great intellectuals, (I don't actually know any great intellectuals, but I read their blogs), when one finds themselves thrust unexpectedly into the presence of genius so staggeringly massive that it serves to reduce every other humble plebian inhabiting the world of creativity to a tightly rolled ball of helplessness, tautly contorted into the fetal position and questioning their worth in this cruel world. That's exactly how I felt when I went on Busted Tee's.com (YOUR NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR IRONIC T-SHIRTS!!!) and I happened to find this:

In a word: Brilliance.
In 56 words: There are few things more difficult than making a legitimately funny t-shirt. (An illegitimately funny t-shirt is a funny t-shirt that has been bastardized, so nobody wants to wear it.) And by golly Busted Tees, you have scaled the summit of the Ironic T-Shirt Rushmore and boldly engraved your snarky glibness into its pyrite walls.
And I would know: Tragically unfunny tees are like my kryponite. Every time I see some kid wielding a trombone and wearing a Napoleon Dynamite "give me your tots" shirt, a little part of me shrivels up and dies like a snail that has just been doused in salt by a curious, slightly sadistic eight year old (I had to try it once.)
Some shirts are just harsh. There's no greater wound to your ego seeing some kid whose shirt is adorned with some curiously nondescript font, only to find that his shirt says something along the lines of "Kill yourself, dipshit." That's just mean. I don't even see where the funny comes in. That's fine, though. I always get the last laugh in those situations by running to the Sarcastic Tees section of Kohl's and urinating all over the "Sister For Sale" section. Hah! Just wait until you unwittingly prance around school coated in my dried urine, Ironic Shirt Guy!
That's why I propose a more direct approach to T-shirt making. Like, a company called Degrading Tees, Inc. that pumps out fabrics with such gems as "You are a retard" printed across the chest. That would really clear up any confusion. One day I plan on founding Conversation Starter Tees, a company that produces clothing designed for no other purpose other than to start discussions. C'mon, if you saw somebody walking around in a shirt that said "Ask About My Crippling Illness," you are going to ask about that illness. I could make a shirt that says "Jesus WAS My Homeboy," just to score pity points with people asking what Jesus did to me to produce a falling-out so epic I felt like advertising it.
Really, I feel like great t-shirts are a true rarity in this world. Amusing T-shirts are the key to world peace. Just imagine if President Bush showed up to spearhead discussions with a North Korean diplomat wearing this work of art:

Someday, someone should change that. I would, but I'm still getting free Showtime (Weeds! Californication! The best shows you don't feel like watching!) and Cinemax (Witches of Breastwick) for three more weeks. The revolution will have to wait.

From the Author of "Killer Shampoo Bottle" Comes .. . .

(Please Cujo, spare me your slobbery puppy kisses of doom!)
Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if there is anything that Stephen King hasn't made evil yet. . . or made the subject of a 900 page novel WITH A TWIST! I would never accuse the mastermind behind the penning of the Shawshank Redemption and the Shining of being a hack, but he's made a solid case for himself with his transparently desperate mission to systematically transform every inanimate object into the subject of some child's darkest nightmare.
I imagine that somewhere, framed along with a lifetime's worth of accumulated prestige that feeds off of briefly sustained bursts of focus that contain the vivacity of a sea monkey with the common cold, there lies a checklist of every single appliance, personality type, location or creature with which Stephen King has ever come into contact. 75% of the list is adjacent to a inkspot signifying the accomplished transformation of said object to the dark side.
-Saint Bernards: Check
-Cars: Check.
-Struggling writers: Check.
-Clowns: Check.
-Giant spiders: Check.
-Psychic black men with uncanny healing powers: Check.
-High school girls: Check.
-Small town sheriffs: Check.
-Vending machines: Check.
-Ass weasels from outer space: Check.
I can only imagine what will next emerge from the fertile capaciousness of Stephen King's increasingly less terrifying realm of thought.
Coming in 2008: -A blender that doesn't just convert fruit into a delicious smoothie . . .IT CONVERTS SOULS IN SATAN'S SERVANTS!!!
-A stinkbomb that transforms into the shape of the victims most haunting affliction. .. .its The Smell of Fear!
-A pillow that feeds on nightmares!
R.I.P, horror writing genre. You had a decent run.

I'm Not Your Average Stapler

By The OfficeMax 2250

Look, I know what you are thinking. It's probably something along the lines of "Ohh, look a stapler. What a convenient tool for me to bind my papers together with." Or maybe you're thinking "Hmmm . .. why is that stapler out? I have absolutely no use for a common stapler right now." But before you go jumping to conclusions, let me just stop you right there! Baby, I am not your average stapler.
I mean, technically I am a tool that that combines together sheets of paper or other materials by driving a thin metal staple through the sheets and folding over the ends to secure the paper. And yes, I am commonly found in offices, schools, and various other locations that need me to restore order and prevent a chaotic paper-anarchy in which essays, reports, or even children's love notes drift aimlessly about with no restrictions whatsoever. But I swear, I am not like those other staplers. While some staplers might require an excessively difficult application of pressure to effectively bind a document, I, the OfficeMax 2250, require only a gentle squeeze to give you the paper-connecting power that you need.
And I think we both know that you can't trust those other staplers in the long term. Sure, they seem strong and formidable at first, and you may think that they are the perfect stapler for you, but they're just going to fall apart eventually. Just when you think that you have found the perfect apparatus to permanently fasten your work, those staples will crumble apart, and you're just going to have another mess on your hands. But me? I'm not just here for a quick fix. I'm here to make a commitment in a way that other staplers just can't.
Look, I know I've failed you in the past. Who could possibly forget that time that I ran out of paper-containing pins just when you needed me most, when you had to turn in that vocabulary assignment by fourth period. But I swear I've changed. With my new booklet-stapling capabilities, I can rotate up to 90 degrees for vertical or horizontal stapling. I would have never been capable of such things in the past. And now, with my new OfficeMax upgrade, I contain up to 200 more staples, so I'll always be there when you need me most.
I'm just going to give it to you straight right now. I've seen the way you look at the new Thumb Activated Electric Stapler. I know that the OfficeMax 2130 Long Reach Stapler can reach places that I can't. But no matter what, I am the stapler for you.

What's This? By Golly, It's An Introduction!

I was going to write an elaborate introduction detailing the fruitlessness of entering the deadly blogosphere (I like to imagine the blogosphere as a virtual war zone, with snarky comments and wry pop culture observations replacing car bombs and the resulting severed limbs, and people wearing sweats and gobbling Cheetohs replacing minorities and high school dropouts as the virtual warriors), but I came down with a crippling case of writers block, and an even more crippling case of syphillis, so I quit.
Basically, this blog will consist of recurring segements, as most blogs do. Most of these segments will be titled "blank" of the day. . .but they won't really be daily. I'm just wacky in that way. I also wear vibrant colors and buy whoopie cushions. There may be a Word of the Day one day, or an Observation of the Day, or an Innovative Porno of the Day. Okay, maybe not an innovative porno of the day, but thats just because clowns are scary .. . and even scarier when involved in a nine-person orgy involving a horse.
Either way, this blog will consist of things happening on days and being labeled accordingly. What more could a person ask for? Human interaction is overrated. I've entered the blogosphere now .. . .and its a jungle in here.